Delusions of You
by Strange.x.And.x.Beautiful
Summary: AU. OOC because of the themes. A twoshot of a sinister method Bella uses to hear Edward’s voice. Takes place during New Moon. Lotsa mention of drugs. You have been warned. Slight BxMike, tiny bit of BxJ
1. Delusions of You

Delusions of You

**I decided to take a darker route to my previous stuff. But i hope you all enjoy it just the same.**

**Bella's POV**

Charlie would kill me if he ever found out what I'd had to resort to just so I could hear that voice again. He would probably march me down the station himself and put me behind bars just to teach me a lesson.

I couldn't care less about he'd do to me though, so long as I had a little of the white stuff on me then breaking the law was fine in my book. It sounds even worse coming from the mouth of the Chief of police's daughter, but I've realised that life isn't as peachy as everyone makes out, is it?

That white stuff was the key to my delusions of Edward's voice. Every minute I was high, I could hear him scolding me for my stupidity. These words were ironic in my opinion, because it had to be the smartest thing I'd ever come up with. It meant I didn't need to visit the ER every week because of my frequent accidents involving motorbikes, and it kept me away from the cliffs, even though I doubted that I'd try cliff diving anytime soon.

It was just a couple of sniffs a week and I'd be in blissful happiness. His voice would shout and scold and chastise me in every way possible, but I didn't care. It felt like he was right next to me, trying to keep me safe from harm.

Sadly he couldn't prevent it. No one could.

Not even Jacob.

Mike was the only one who endorsed it actually. He was the one who'd introduced me to cocaine in the first place. He saw how much I was hurting, how much I wanted to get away from my miserable life, so he gave me a hit and there it was.

My new spark of life. My new method of creating delusions of the one person I would love for the rest of my life.

It didn't matter to me that Mike had assumed I was his bit on the side now, so long as he gave me the cocaine for free I'd do anything for him.

Edward wasn't here to stop me, and Jacob had told me how much he disapproved of my habit the day he'd found me high at home.

Charlie had gone out fishing with Billy one Saturday, so Jacob invited himself over to keep me company. When I answered the door he recognised my dilated pupils and some powder under my nose and put two and two together.

It was horrible that day. He threatened to tell Charlie what I was up to. So I thought fast and kissed him with so much passion that it scared me. I'd never been able to kiss Edward that way; I'd never been able to express myself with another guy so easily.

With Mike it was different. I shut all emotions off and let my body do the talking. My brain didn't need to be active when I was with him.

After we'd finished kissing I'd taken Jacob's hand and went to lead him to my room, but he refused. He told me I was high and that I was stupid and if I ever approached him in that way again he'd shop me in.

Edward's voice had agreed with him at that point after all the screaming he'd done at me.

But they didn't realise how much I craved male attention. They didn't know how much I wanted to fill that void that was currently residing in my chest.

They knew nothing of my pain.

That's why I had Mike. My junkie partner. My sex buddy, in a way.

We could be friends at school and then in the afternoon we'd do a few hits and have raw meaningless sex.

I knew it was wrong for the both of us, but whilst we were under the influence nothing else mattered.

It didn't matter that Jessica was going out with Mike; it didn't matter that my first time had been whilst I was on narcotics.

None of it mattered so long as I could hear his voice.

The voice of reason.

But my reason for living had left me, so now I was living as dangerously as possible.

I, Isabella Swan am a junkie.

But what junkie would tell you that they did it to hear delusions of the man who'd left them behind?

Not many.

This is my life, and this is my spiral into insanity. All because of my delusions of Edward Cullen's voice.

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	2. Voice of an Angel

Voice of an Angel

**I know this was originally supposed to be a oneshot, but then i thought it'd be unfair if you didn't get to see how Edward's voice reacts to all of this, so voilà! Once again, lots of mention of drugs, and this does include sex, but it's kinda vague, you'll see why.**

**Enjoy!**

**Bella POV**

"_Bella, stop this, you know it's wrong, Charlie will kill you if he walks in now."_

I'd just taken a snort of cocaine from our coffee table and was lying back on the sofa waiting for the effects to kick in. Edward's voice was with me already and it sounded more beautiful than ever.

My last hit had been four days ago and I'd been jonesing badly. Charlie had been spending less time at home because I was depressed and moody all the time, and I only made an appearance from my room when he called to see if I was home, after that we didn't see each other for the rest of the night.

If you thought it was bad when Edward left, my come-downs were ten times worse. Lately I'd been refusing to eat anything more than a bowl of cereal, which meant I'd dropped a dress size; I was now an unhealthy size 4. But it didn't matter to me; Mike had promised me coke, so coke I'd got, even if I had had to wait longer than usual for it.

"How long is Chief Swan out for, Bella?" Mike asked as he rubbed the residue from under his nose. He put the rolled up dollar bill he'd used to snort the drugs back in his pocket, as not to leave any evidence for Charlie to discover, he'd probably use it for another hit later no doubt.

"He won't be home till late." I replied lazily, wishing Mike would make a move on me, Edward had gone silent and I knew that would fire him back up for sure.

"And that La Push kid, what's his name, Jacob? He won't be dropping by to check on you?"

"Jacob and I haven't spoken for two weeks, he's still angry at me, after, well you know..." I told him in the best casual voice I could muster.

Inside, the comment stung me a little, Jacob had tried his best to keep me on the straight and narrow, trying to take my mind off of things while we spent time in his garage, but I'd discovered doing something stupid was the only way I could still be connected to Edward. If Jacob didn't want to be a part of it, it was his loss; Edward's voice was my priority. In losing Jake I'd gained Mike in the process. It wasn't a very fair exchange but I couldn't change the hand I'd now been dealt.

"Don't worry, Mike; no one's going catch us. We've been doing this for three months and never been caught, there's no need to panic now."

"This is the Chief of Police's house Bella! There's no way I'm ever gonna feel at ease here." He glanced quickly out the window to double check no one was around to disturb us and decided to change subject. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, sure?" I replied confused of his change in tone. I could feel slowly but surely the coke was kicking in, Edward's voice would be here again, I couldn't care less what Mike's question was.

"Do you like the person you've turned into?" he asked me, I saw his eyes drop swiftly to the floor, avoiding my gaze.

I looked at him as if he were joking; what kind of question was that to ask? Had he taken too much coke and it'd messed up his head? Seriously, what was this? A question off of Jerry fucking Springer?

"If you mean the drug taking, it's a better alternative than facing up to a life without Edward." I replied heatedly as I turned away trying to keep the hot and bitter tears that were bursting to the surface from expelling onto my cheeks. I realised I'd just gone and blurted out the secret I'd been trying to keep from everyone.

"_You shouldn't be doing this, Bella. It's not making you happy and you know it." _The velvety voice in my head growled."_Pulling these dangerous stunts are not going to bring me back. Stop this before you can't be helped by anyone."_

I ignored his chastising and leant forward to place my lips on Mike's. I guessed he was surprised in my change of emotions, but he hungrily kissed me back like what I'd said before wasn't an issue anymore. For that I was grateful, when it comes to sex, Mike has no morals. I was now on autopilot, letting my instincts take over, free to let my mind argue with Edward.

"I can't stop this; I can't lose the only thing I have left of you, this is only thing you could never take away from me."

"_You could die from this! You could accidentally overdose!"_

"Then I'd rather die hearing your voice, then die of old age."

"_Don't be stupid, how can you say that? How is Charlie going to feel when finds you dead because you took too much cocaine? What will Renee do without the daughter she loves so much? How could Jacob live with himself knowing he couldn't help you?"_

"They can't bring you back to me, so what's the point in stopping? I'd lose you again and that would kill me even more than it did the first time."

"_Bella, you need to move on; you need to find someone who will think the world of you, who will take care of you, someone who will love you no matter what. You can't be Mike's fling forever; you don't even care about him. He's just your dealer."_

I could vaguely feel Mike's lips at my neck, and I knew he was inside me, I could tell by the proximity of his body and the way his breath was coming out in pants as he thrust in again, and again. I could vaguely feel his sweat dripping onto my abdomen and I just closed my eyes and waited for it to finish. I was glad couldn't feel much. I was numb and indifferent. The only thing that didn't expose my detachment from it all was my rise in body temperature; it's a side effect of the drugs. It made Mike think that I loved every second of this, in contrast to what I was really feeling.

"_This isn't the way you should be living. Tell Mike to stop, this is basically rape."_

"I consented; I started it for God's sake!"

"_You've switched off; he might as well be doing this to a blow up doll. Or even better, his girlfriend, Jessica!"_

"What does it matter? I get what I want and Mike gets what he wants. It's not my fault Jessica isn't enough for him."

"_So, what you want is a psychotic episode, and while that is happening, Mike gets his way with you on the sofa. This isn't right, Bella. Don't you even care that Jessica is your friend!"_

"A world without you isn't right, Edward."

I was coming down off of my high and I could hear Mike calling me worriedly. Slowly my senses came back and his hands were on my bare shoulders.

"Bella, Bella, can you hear me?"

"Quit it." I responded irritably trying to shrug his hands off me. "Keep going."

"I finished...You did too." He was looking at me suspiciously; obviously I'd faked it right on time without any knowledge of my doing so. With that, I was slightly impressed by myself.

"So I did." I lied all too easily as I slid out from under him. "Same time tomorrow?" I asked as I threw Mike over his clothes and then started grabbing mine at the speed of vampire...

I flinched; I wasn't supposed to be thinking about them while I was sober, or on a comedown for that matter. I could feel the hole in my chest beginning to throb again and instinctively I threw my arms around myself. Mike was eying me curiously wanting to know what was going on.

"I just realised Charlie will be back soon" I explained as he pulled on a pair of boxers, "you better go."

"Oh, right."

One mention of my dad and Mike was now throwing his clothes on with careless abandon; it was quite amusing to watch until I slowly became aware of how naked I really was, then I was silently praying that he'd dress faster, I wanted him out.

"Well, as always, Bella. It was fun." He grinned as he ran a hand through his "fashionably unruly" hair. I felt another throb of pain when I remembered who he'd copied the style from.

"Yeah, it was." I replied, forcing a smile.

I'd noticed he'd left a small packet of coke on my coffee table, Mike hadn't noticed and it was too good an opportunity to miss.

"See you."

I'd practically pushed him out the door and ran over to the sofa again.

"_Bella_" Edward growled warningly. "_Don't."_

"Here we go again." I smiled as I divvied the powder into a line.

Life became better again, for the next twenty minutes or so.

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